La Douleur Exquise

It was dark that night and all I had was the familiarity of being alone. Wasn’t that obvious? You were once here but deep inside you knew that all this time you were there living and breathing the same air like tonight. But still, you injected some metaphors and pills into your veins directly to your chest and head so that life must goes on to you. And day by day, you carry that moment in your head. Reminding you that you should be thankful that they happened even though it pains you because those moments were both forced and sad.

But isn’t it what you used to like? Getting hurt? Being sad? Living in lies?

If there is joy in this island it would be the arms that landed straight to my neck that gave me the shivering feeling of relief. It is in those moments you mention my name in return for me being so cold and stubborn.

That night, I didn’t know where I’m going to place myself.

I didn’t like the sounds of the water crashing down the shore but where I’m supposed to go but to be there and watch the fine line the divides the horizon into two. Where I’m supposed to go when all of them was too blinded by the realities? Maybe I was born solemnly and wasn’t raised to speak what I truly feel.

Maybe that’s how it should be – always.

Me being the problem. Me being the one who asked too much. Me giving meaning to every word, every action and every smile you gave.

Sitting there with you alone was one of my dreams but wasn’t that obvious? That I wanted so much more? More than those stars the shines directly to your eyes.

I watched those smiles that offered directly to someone I barely knew. Someone who must be so lucky enough to have the universe while I cry for the galaxies to fall down on me… to kiss my feet and to hold me so dear. And it was always like this, I beg for love to come in but no one really wants to listen to my own heartbeat. No one wants to hold me so tight and nobody wants to listen to my whispers at every dawn.

I guess It’s time to give up.

I blame myself for destroying the moments that I have with you. For putting colors and stardust around the corners. For making it so much special when in the real world it wasn’t. When in the real world it was just obscured. When in reality nobody really wants you.

This island made me realize how tiny I am and I should let go now. Remove that anchor that has been there deep in the water for so long. Free yourself now. There are no reasons to hold on. The truth was always on your face. Slapping you every day. Stop injecting metaphors to your veins. Stop taking pills. Live now your life with realities. It can be hard from now on but you’ll get there. But before that, learn how to swim with the truths. And I’ll wait for you there on another island when it’s time for you and me.

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